I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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