Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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