am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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