i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
