You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
