I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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