He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
