boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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