upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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