shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
