I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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