how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize