Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
