I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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