I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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