I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
