i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
