Is it normal to miss your booty call?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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