His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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