Cold hands, warm shart.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
