This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I died a long time ago.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
