i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
