Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
