I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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