My sheets look like a crime scene.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
