So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
