That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Bring me that man meat
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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