I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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