everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize