she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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