Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
