i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
