This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
