she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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