LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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