in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
