everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize