Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
