Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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