I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
