Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
