But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize