my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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