do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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