So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
