my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
