I need to stop coming to work sober
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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