I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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