i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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