my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's paper in my vomit.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
