Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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