she woke up with a sticky ear
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
