i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
