you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
